Week 3 — Mon Sep 28 11:18:19 PDT 2009
From: Jeff
To: mnf@doobie.com
Date: Mon Sep 28 11:18:19 PDT 2009
Subject: It's Monday...
...and the less said about the Redskins, the better.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that means that the losing streak is over. The Detroit Lions are 1-2. Jim Zorn should be concerned about his future employment.
Chicago went to Seattle, to take on an injury-plagued Seahawks (who were wearing, uh, vibrant, antifreeze green throwback uniforms that certainly predate color TV), and played one of the more interesting games of the day. Seattle started off great, opening up a 13-0 lead for much of the first half, then gave up a touchdown late in the half. And then, the half of the team that wasn't hurt decided to stay in the locker room for the second half. Two turnovers followed by two missed field goals from Olindo Mare pretty much sealed the Seahawks' fate, as the Bears rolled over them, 25-19. Chicago goes to 2-1, and will host Detroit next week. The Seahawks fall to 1-2, and are probably shopping for a new kicker this morning. They go to Indy next week.
San Francisco went to Minnesota to take on the Vikings, and lost in a heartbreaker with two seconds left in the game. The San Francisco defense and special teams kept the niners in this game until the very end, blocking a field goal (and scoring a TD) on the last play of the first half, forcing two turnovers early in the second half, and flattening Brett Favre over and over again. They even forced a turnover on downs with 1:51 to play... so all the niners offense had to do was run out two minutes of clock. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, they couldn't do it, and Favre managed to pull off another one of those miracle endings that he's known for -- taking his team 80 yards in 84 seconds, culminating in an unlikely line-drive pass to the back corner of the end zone to win 27-24. The Vikings are an unlikely 3-0 and host Green Bay next Monday. The niners are an unlikely 2-1 and will welcome St Louis to Candlestick on Sunday.
Baltimore hosted the Cleveland Browns and whooped them 34-3. This one was never really close, anywhere except time of possession. Each team had the ball for about 30 minutes. In that time, Baltimore scored four touchdowns and got 28 first downs, and QB Joe Flacco threw for 342 yards. Cleveland gave up four interceptions and got 11 first downs. Brady Quinn, the Browns starting quarterback, threw for 34 yards in the first half, and watched the second half from the bench. Ouch. That puts Baltimore at 3-0, and at the top of the AFC East. Next week, Baltimore goes to New England, and Cleveland hosts the Bengals.
Speaking of the Bengals, they dispatched last year's championship Steelers 23-20, by simply sticking around and playing for the entire game. Pittsburgh came out strong, taking a 13-3 lead into the locker room at halftime, and then, like many Pittsburgh teams before them, they started thinking about next week long before they were finished with this one. A critical Ben Roethlisberger interception, a missed field goal, and a dropped pass in the end zone all opened the door for the Bengals to score two touchdowns in the fourth quarter, and to finish the game 23-20. Anybody who still claims that the Steelers' defense is above average didn't watch the second half. Next week, the 2-1 Bengals go to Cleveland, and the 1-2 Steelers host San Diego on Sunday night.
For the first time since 1984, the Jets and Giants both played at 1:00 pm Eastern on Sunday. The Jets were originally scheduled for a 4:00pm game in New Jersey, but a large number of Jets fans were concerned that the game might run past sundown, and thus into the Yom Kippur holiday. The league reconsidered the schedule, and moved the game to 1:00, to provide plenty of daylight between an afternoon of pigskin and an evening of pig-free atonement. The game itself was close, but not terribly exciting, and there were likely more comments about the Jets' incredibly ugly throwback uniforms (navy blue and 1971 Chevelle mustard yellow. Again, clearly from a pre-television era). These looked more like a high school getup than anything that a professional would wear. Fortunately for New Yorkers, Jets rookie QB Mark Sanchez is quite comfortable in a high school jersey, and the defense is still the best in the NFL (the Jets allowed their first two touchdowns this year, but stepped up in the fourth quarter to really put the game away). The final score? 24-17. The Jets go to 3-0 and are looking like quite a team. The Titans fall to 0-3 and got the opportunity to look at quite a team. Next week, the Jets go to New Orleans (this might be the game of the week), and the Titans go to Jacksonville.
The Giants went to Tampa Bay and shut out the Bucs 24-0, in a classic rout. Tampa didn't get its first first down until nearly the end of the third quarter -- and that's probably the most notable thing about this lopsided game. You can already hear the douchebags talking about an all East Rutherford super bowl. It won't happen. The Giants go to Kansas City, and Tampa goes to Washington next week.
Miami fell to a surprising 0-3, losing in San Diego 23-13 in an ugly, ugly game. Neither Chad Pennington nor the wildcat offense seems capable of putting enough points on the board (though, in fairness, Pennington left the game in the third quarter because of a shoulder injury, and the whole team seems to be suffering from fumbleitis). The first half ended with a boring 3-3 tie. Ricky Williams scored Miami's only touchdown in the fourth quarter, but at that point, it was too little, too late, as the Chargers easily knocked off the Fins 23-13. Next week, the Chargers go to Pittsburgh and the Dolphins host 1-2 Buffalo, in a game that T.O. will mistakenly believe is important.
And that brings us to tonight's game...
The Game.
It's time to break out your "Dallas Sucks" T-Shirts.
Tonight, the 0-2 Carolina Panthers go to Arlington, Texas, to take on the 1-1
Cowboys, who are playing their second evening game, at home, in a row, in the
brand new Cowboys Stadium. This stadium opened this year to much
fanfare, not only because it's the largest, most expensive sports facility
ever built, or because it was built with private funds, but because it's got a
giant TV that hangs stupidly low. Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones decided
that if he was going to sell 100,000 seats, that at least half of them would
be so far away that the fans might as well be watching the game on TV.
So naturally, he built a big ass TV. He also provided the fans in the
cheap seats with strippers to keep them entertained during timeouts. (Or maybe just to prompt another classy quote from Cris Collinsworth about the view from behind (and slightly underneath) the "dancers".) That video was safe for NBC, so it's probably safe for work.
The floor of Jerry's Palace is covered in RealGrass's patented Matrix line of roll-up artificial turf. This is the first NFL stadium to use Matrix, which not only is designed to feel more like real grass, it uses multiple unnatural colors of polyethylene, so as to look like real grass when shown on TV under artificially blue lighting. Considering that this stadium also includes the largest HDTV in the world, this hat-tip to television aesthetics seems well-placed, though it appears to be the only decision made based on visual impact. (The building itself looks like a D.O.T. facility created as part of the Eisenhower Highway System, another design that only a Texan could find visually pleasing).
Of course, in classic Dallas style, the construction company responsible for deploying the turf is not content to let Jerry World get all the publicity. Hellas Construction has purchased the URL dallascowboysturf.com, where you can find pictures and videos full of self-congratulatory public relations people wishing that they were important. This might be the first plastic carpet with its own sysadmin.
It won't last. Much like a Dallas billionaire or any PR campaign, roll-up turf tends to age very poorly. The seams between sections become less smooth over time, eventually leading to uneven surfaces and places for players to trip (remember the horrible rug in Philly's Veteran's Stadium?). If his face is any indication, it is safe to assume that Jerry Jones will bring in an army of scalpel-wielding turf doctors the moment that his faux lawn shows its first wrinkle. Otherwise, the turf in Dallas will find itself on the player's association's list of worst fields [pdf, page 7 and 12]... again.
The Line
Dallas is favored by 8.5, the over/under is 48.
Last week, the Smart Money won. It is now 4-1 for the season, representing a 52.7% ROI. Over the same time, the S&P has gone up 2.5% (most of it in the last 3 hours), and the mattress full of cash buys 0.61% fewer Euros than it used to.
This week, the Smart Money takes the Under and the Panthers. The line has only moved by a half point, so neither of these are terribly strong picks (they're mostly based on how astonishingly overrated Tony Romo is). It seems especially likely that they'll go 1-1.
The Bar
"Answering the age-old question... can you clean up a Dog's Bollix?"
Dirty Trix Saloon (formerly Dog's Bollix, but now with newer paint, a bartender that's of legal age, less top-40, and no more B.O. stink)
408 Clement, near 5th Ave.
Steps from the 2, 4, 38,38L,38BX express, and 44 busses.
Not too far from the 21, 31, 31BX express, and the lightly scented 1 California.
As always, kickoff is at 5:30. See you there?